Did it ever happen to you?
You thought you’ll be this big ‘ol philanthropist and help someone in need.
You start helping them and we are talking about all sorts of help – physical, financial and emotional.
And they start looking up to you in all their problems and over time you feel a little burden on your shoulders.
Every time you see their call an alarm starts going off in you – they are in trouble again.
You develop this hero-seeker relationship. You are then sometimes on the verge of snapping. Because there is only so much you can do.
No one has a heart of gold. While you may be able to help people physically or even financially when it comes to being an all-time emotional support for someone chances are things can get pretty tough.
I love to help people to the point that I put them before myself. I hardly ever say no. All my psychology tests gave me ‘overly-kind’ results. Well, ain’t that a good thing? I thought so too but it ain’t. It’s actually a negative quality. Ah! That day was so hard for me.
But the face of the matter is – your mental health comes first.
Here’s what I found over time when I started observing the patterns in my life. I’m sure many of you can reflect with them. If you can’t I would love to know how to do it. If there is any way to have a heart of gold do let us know. It’s always good to learn from any positives someone else has in their life. There’s a comments section down there just for you 😀
Why is it stupid to depend on others for our problems?
Plain and Simple – People have their problems too
Well, if you get this point you may skip the rest of the post because you are good to go. But if you choose to read on you are either too dependent on someone or someone is very dependent on you. Many of us are there in either one of the boats.
You think you have too many problems in your life that you need help with. You may also be one of those people who think their problems are much much much greater than anyone else’s. Or better still, people don’t really have any genuine problems – it’s just me the universe boiled over and gave all these as souvenirs to decorate life with.
We all have problems and for most of us, our problems are quite a headache for us.
If you keep choosing to depend on someone for your problems you are like a weight put on a twig. Your hero is a twig. There is only so much weight they can handle. When the twig snaps you blame God/Universe for it. The twig wasn’t made to handle your weight in the first place.
There is no human on earth who can actually help you out. There is no human you can actually truly depend on. They have problems just like you do. They are solving their problems, unlike you. If someone goes out of the way to help you it doesn’t mean you try and put your burden on them. They will only suffocate and eventually try to escape.
You were created free and your dependency on others has to be limited. For once, try and put your burden on yourself and think of actionable solutions to your problems. I’m 100% sure, by Allah’s will, you will solve your problems on your own.
It’s easy to take heroes for granted
When people like to help you, you easily get into the illusion that they love to help you. They might love to help you but your asking for help pretty much all the time and for every little worry is going to hurt them.
We hurt our heroes. We do.
It’s not just your fault as a seeker but their fault as heroes too. The best way to help someone is to empower them. But ‘overly-kind’ people, like myself, think help is doing someone else’s job like it’s our own. Even when they can be taught how to do it on their own. People take such acts of kindness for granted. They will come to the hero at odd times asking help for silly matters. They will try and depend on you for pretty much all you can offer them.
Your Problems are Your lessons
Yep! We mature with problems. Our decision making becomes strong when we make mistakes and then try to work them out. Our cognitive muscles sharpen when we train our minds to think of solutions.
Our problems in life are actually our lessons in life. If we don’t dive into them full-on we don’t learn out of them full-on. When we don’t learn how can we ever grow?
They are in your life for a reason. Stop putting them on someone else. Allah has plans for you. He has growth planned for you. But you are just not willing to put the blind-fold away and let the light pour in.
Yes! Problems bring light into your life.
They eventually make you happy.
Problems Derive Happiness
Yes! While we try and avoid problems our entire lives, they are actually there for us to accomplish something and achieve true happiness.
The number one reason for death among the elderly is not old age or disease but retirement.
They just sit there all day reading the newspaper or watching TV. You can’t have any problems if you are not doing much.
If you think about it for a second, how much satisfaction or happiness is derived out of a new dress, a new car, a new apartment?
It’s short-lived. You are soon drifting into the realm again. Looking for other things to make you happy. More and more and more.
Your problems, on the other hand, appear to be taking out of that more good stuff and introducing more of bad stuff. While in reality, all those problems, when solved, bring you happiness. No problems no happiness. When the ECG graph is straight you are dead, not living. Ups and downs are what keep you alive. That is life. That is growth.
Stop Playing the Blame Game
Take accountability. All the problems in your life are in your control. At least their reaction is. You have total control over your mind. How to deal with any problem is yet another choice we make.
We either find someone to blame, in many cases, we blame ourselves and land into an endless loop of guilt, anger, and sadness all combined. We feel we need to be pitied and so we feel the need for a hero.
The key is Interdependence
If you want to keep people in your life don’t depend on them or let them depend on you. We can only truly depend on Allah. What we can do with our human counterparts on earth is be interdependent. Help them where you can. Get help where you absolutely can’t do it your self. Keep learning so next time you face the issue you are there to sort it out yourself. Seek guidance and don’t hurl your chores on others.
If you are in the habit of helping people beyond your capacity think about helping them genuinely. Empower them. That is actual help.
If they are physically in need, work out ways they can manage themselves on their own.
If they need financial aid, look for a way to give them work that results in income. That saves their self-respect too.
If someone is in need of emotional support, help them by giving them sound advice. You can be a good listener to them but feeling the urgency to find solutions beyond your capacity will only drive you crazy.
I hope you took a meaningful message from this post today.
Help people but help them right. Don’t forget that if your own cup is empty you can’t really fill theirs.